I'm sorry not to have written for a while; as was often the case last year when I didn't post, I feel I've just woken up from protracted unhappiness and distraction. I feel clearer now, like I can think linearly again, so back to the old narrative structure. A few weeks ago, Ben K., Kay, GPaul, and Alison visited Nick and me, which is worth noting even though it was so long ago, because it was a blast and a half. Sarah, Emi, Jen, and Erika (the Philadelphia suburb set) also stopped by long enough to wander fruitlessly for some time in search of decisive dinner plans, and then to consume 2/3 of a VerMonster (20 scoops of ice cream, 4 chopped bananas, mounds of fudge, overflowing whipped cream, and assorted sprinkles/candy toppings).


We ate the monstrosity on a grassy knoll off Locust Walk, where we were accosted by squirrels. They're practically tame, technically, since college students feed them constantly - but they've gotten almost rabid and freakishly bold in their demands, so that they'll run alongside you on the way to class, expecting handouts. This troubles me. We were also accosted by a small child wearing a sari (I recall) and a dog, in quick succession. Sated and overly proud of ourselves, we went back to my place, rented Bram Stoker's Dracula, made terrible fun of it, and then our ranks thinned to the four Marylanders, Nick, and me.


At that point, there were sketchy shenanigans that I will summarize, because they've already been related elsewhere. We played strip poker, followed by the much more novel and enjoyable (for me) strip pig, and quit at bras and undies. Then Alison and I kissed in exchange for near-naked Russian Cossack dancing by the boys. Ben opines that the dancing was sexier than the kissing - this may well be the case, but the dancing still wasn't marginally sexy and was, in fact, memorably, wonderfully hilarious. I felt a lot sadder to see those kids off than I had the week before, leaving home to return to Penn - because briefly I had the intersection of my exciting new life and cozy old friendships.


The following week, as I recall, I had my intensive training weekend, followed by a debilitating series of midterms. I didn't fail any of them, and a later discussion with my friend Reem confirmed that I had no reason to do as well on one of them as I did; it was Bio, and I studied haphazardly and uninspiredly, took a 2.5 hour break at 3 AM to discuss life and relationships with another friend, Chris, and took the thing with adamantly low expectations at 11 AM. Also, Reem sez that at least half the class had already had AP Bio in high school; it's lovely to succeed (sort of) in spite of being lazy and lacking basic background knowledge.


I went home again the next weekend, for Fall Break. Seeing Seth was predictably great, especially the first night. We went to dinner at A&J's, where he was charmingly talkative, and it seemed (it always does, the first night) that there was an excessive amount we had to communicate to one another, and that the process of doing so was inordinately, easily fun. At some point (either that night or the next, I can't remember), we rented Better Off Dead, and that was a pleasant shared experience as well - the oh-so-appealing 80's quirkiness, so wholesome and bizarre. Seth continues to be one of my favorite people, though that is no longer convenient.


After Fall Break ended, my life started to feel awry. I guess I felt socially bombarded, which made me lonely and overwhelmed; I thought self-importantly about the interjections of the universe on my psyche/lifestyle. Really, though, the universe is populated with people I like and respect, who care about me as well, and I'm not missing anything necessary. I guess I'm trying (really imperfectly) to exist productively in between times of overarching happiness (grin). I'm home for the weekend again - it's Parents' Weekend, and my family couldn't make it to Penn - and I feel better now than I have lately. I have yet to see Seth, but we enjoyed an animated phone conversation last night.

I also have work to do. I'd better get something done, or I'll regret it tomorrow.

What I wrote a week ago (but never finished):

It seems boring to talk much about weekdays; I go to class, except for Thursday when I was ridiculously incapacitated due to sickness. I get my work done, albeit at odd hours. I've taken to buying coffee at 1:00 AM, sitting in the hall with hallmates and talking (too quickly) at them for a while, and eventually slinking back to my room, where I type or read abashedly until 4:30 AM. So far, Arielle thinks my hours are an amusing oddity, since I sleep during the day like a vampire. Meanwhile, I'm trying to bombard myself with meaningful extracurriculars; as I see it, otherwise I'd just be goofing off and doing work at the last minute, anyway - and feeling five times as ashamed of myself. Now I'm productively self-destructive.


In terms of extracurriculars and college life in general, I'm working more actively to be uncomplicatedly happy - to decide what I want and need and expect from activities and people. I didn't try out for Mock Trial, after all, and I feel basically relieved (though sometimes ambivalent). I loved to strategize, and I was a good witness but a disappointing attorney - and that made me feel inadequate and guilty for two years. I had nightmares over it, I was seriously torn between terror and ambition, etc. I've found something here that feels more natural: membership in a (selective, hehe) volunteer program with Student Health Services, for which I have to undergo 40 hours of training (20 this weekend). I love the other kids and the work so far.


Training hours on Saturday included a retreat to Fairmont Park, where we played bonding games - and I got passed around overhead by about forty hands, as part of a human spider web exercise. We sat around an (underheated) historical mansion/youth hostel and talked informally for a long time; I was excited to feel the first stirrings of closeness with many new people, and with an entire new community.

Now to fill in....