VISUALIZE SUCCESS
(but don't believe your eyes)

I had a final on Thursday and a paper due Friday at noon. In the process of accomplishing those two things, I stayed up for 61 hours. I didn't really have to do that, but forces kept conspiring against my body being healthy or sensible; for example, at one point I was too hungry to sleep, and the following day I was too sleepy to eat. After my ling final on Thursday, the world was golden. Wynn Commons was sunlit, and people were congregating at the little cafe tables all across the front of the Student Union and the back of College Hall - studying or chatting, making an appealing amount of noise. The street was blocked off for construction, so I took a woody and circuitous route home. I realized (though it was probably obvious before) that I've fallen in love with Penn, and now I pine for it. But: I was sloppy-looking, wobbly, a survivor of sleeplessness and testing, and concealing earplugs in my fist; I wore them to the final, which turned out to be a good idea, but I was too ashamed to let other people see what I'd done.


I got home to my cell, took a shower, and put on a tank top and skirt for my DP reporters' dinner. As always, clothing and cleanliness were enough to make me feel human, undoing some of the ridiculous and damaging things I'd been up to lately. We met at Pizza Rustica; I had complained ineffectually (because a local pizza place delivers for free to the DP every night in exchange for ad space), but the pizza was wonderful, and it was nice to see everyone again en masse. Particularly Garrett - everyone is obviously so grateful for how hard he's worked with us this semester. We gave him a present, and he gave each of us a box of chocolates and a note. Over dinner, Farouk expressed some horror that I hadn't started my ten-page Chinese history paper yet (due in maybe 15 hours).

Garrett, always chill, said, "That's plenty of time." I remember once he remarked distractedly, over editing, that he had a 40-page paper due in two days, that he should probably start.

After the meal, most people went drinking, but I didn't have the inclination or a fake ID. I walked home cradling my chocolates and finally began my paper, which I finished at 11:40 AM the next day. Following a harried rush to the library to print (my printer ran out of toner on page three of ten, because I am irresponsible), and more scrambling to College Hall, I deposited the paper at 12:03; both my professor and my TA looked nonplussed at my blatant panic. Then, my parents arrived to help me tear down my room, and I was back in Maryland by 9:00 PM. My month-long happiness seems to have dissipated now that I'm home, and the vague pressure in my temples is back; but I'm not overtly unhappy, and maybe I'll reclaim it when I return to Penn in four months - or, ideally, it'll come back over the summer.